


My Clarke

by Patroklos13



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Clexa, Drama & Romance, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Lostia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, penfriends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-08-20 19:27:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16561847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patroklos13/pseuds/Patroklos13
Summary: Did you watch that famous film, the film Zooey Deschanel played a character named Summer? Yeah, 500 Days of Summer. Then, you probably know the saying “This is not a love story...” What I am trying to say is “This is not a love story, it is about me meeting my Clarke.” Like the film, I do not promise you the happy ending you expect.





	1. Haven't Met You Yet

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language, be aware that and feel free to warn me about my grammar.  
> Also, first story ever. Hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> https://patroklos13.tumblr.com/

Did you watch that famous film, the film Zooey Deschanel played a character named Summer? Yeah, 500 Days of Summer. Then, you probably know the saying “This is not a love story...” What I am trying to say is “This is not a love story, it is about me meeting my Clarke.” Like the film, I do not promise you the happy ending you expect. I don’t know when or where I heard it first but I love the quote; 

“There are no happy endings.  
Endings are the saddest part,  
So just give me a happy middle  
And a very happy start.”

You can question my happy middle and very happy start but it is my favourite story of all time and I really love to talk about it. Because it make me a real person, it make me a really stupid one but still. 

They say generalizations are generally wrong, but you know if you are gay when I say, every gay person has that moment which they realize they love who they love. That happened to me when I was 13. In the back row of the class, I was like “I love them, I don’t know how I can love both of them, but I love both Aysha and Hannah and I am okay with it now.” 

At the age of 13, I did not expect a very rough high school period but high schools are not meant to be easy right? Again, I was sitting in the back row of the classroom when I saw her. Do not rush.  
It is not Clarke.  
Not yet.  
The girl had this caramel coloured hair which was braided and a genuine smile on her face. I still don’t think I fell in love with her at that moment. Later, I learnt her name. It was Costia. Until that moment, I never knew anyone named Costia even I have never heard the name of Costia. I still don’t know meaning of the name but it always reminded me of heart. Maybe the fact that Costia taught me I have a heart is the reason the name reminded me of a very fragile organ. 

I don’t quite remember how we became best friends but one day I found myself holding a huge eeyore in my hands as a birthday present for her. I remember, I wrote “what if you never came or came in time and never found me what would I do? I would be half, I would do wrong.” in ear of the eeyore. In memory of eeyore, we have called each other donkey time to time.  
Ahh, I almost forgot. She had a boyfriend, Roan. The most popular boy in the school. He was tall, he was handsome, he was funny. He was the boy every girl in school wanted (not every girl apparently). And yeah, Costia kind of tamed him. Do not get me wrong, I liked the guy. He has that charm. Really. In fact, we have spent time all three of us together, too. 

It was all good until the second year of the high school. Costia kept Roan secret from her family and somehow they figured Costia had a boyfriend. Afterwards everything went bad for Costia. She was constantly crying on my shoulder, in the times she didn’t cry I am well aware of she cried herself to sleep last night so she didn’t have the energy to even cry. The family put a pressure on her to break up with Roan. It is the thing with some of the Muslim families, they do not allow their daughters to have a relationship. I know it is ironic, their sons are never restricted. She endured this pressure as long as she can but eventually she ended it. It had broke her heart, Roan’s heart and even I felt deeply sorry for them. 

Meanwhile, Costia and I grew closer. I had a feeling that she was trying to cope with replacing Roan’s place with me. I don’t blame her because I let her to do that and in the process I know I fell in love with her. It was hard not to. She was the popular girl. She was pretty. She is pretty. I don’t know why but she didn’t have many friends. My friends were not very fond of her. Sometimes it felt like Costia and I are against the world. I would do anything for her, with her. 

Being in love with her and being aware of it does not mean that I knew I was gay. When I was 13, I had accepted I loved them. At the age of 15, I accepted that I was in love with Costia, I attracted by girls in general and that I am lesbian. Even if I explain this in one plain sentence, it took my nearly 3 years to identify myself as lesbian. It was hell. 

I have grew up in a Muslim family like Costia have. My father, Titus, is not a reasonable man, he is always angry. I still have hard time to see him as human. Do not get me wrong, he is not a bad man. He probably don’t do feelings. Don’t have feelings. I don’t know. He is always playing rules by the book. Yeah, he is religious. He never treated us badly but his words are as sharp as a sword can be even when the times he means well. So, I chose not to speak with him almost my entire life. We only have smallest talk. And in time he have learnt not to question my decisions. We have lived 18 years in same house as two strangers. My older brother Lincoln was studying medicine in another city and my other older brother Aden was studying chemical engineering in another city as well. Being the youngest sibling, I feel like we were always 3 membered family; Titus, mom and me. Mom, Indra, is a bridge between all of us. She is the most selfless person I know. She is full of life and seems to be happy and cheerful almost all the time but in times of need she can be a ruthless warrior that every commander want their warriors to be. Simply, she is mother. It took my entire life to separate her from mother persona. She is not only a mother, she is also a woman, a child, a teenager and she is her own person. If it was asked me, I wouldn’t let her marry Titus. Even if that means I can not be exist. I would encouraged her to go to college, have a degree and gain her freedom from patriarchy. I sometimes get mad at how she bowed to this fate and why she didn’t fight against it. But this is middle east, women do not bow they are bowed. 

So. Me being lesbian. Against religion. Against tradition. Against family. Against government. Against relatives, neighbours. Against even myself. Yeah, hell indeed. 

Firstly, I tried to fight against it. I disgusted by the word lesbian and tried to forget, avoid the thoughts. Secondly, I punished myself with burning my hand with cigarette to control my desires. After that, my hate for myself wasn’t enough and I wanted people to hate me, too. So, I came out to Hannah, said her that I was homosexual. It didn’t work, she didn’t hate me. She accepted me as I am. So, I stopped hating myself for a while as well. Because Lincoln’s wedding with Octavia was around the corner. Aden diagnosed with MS. Surely, it was the worst year of my life. But somehow, we survived. After wedding, it took sometime to get used to Aden’s condition. There was no time to think about being a lesbian so I got used to it, too.  
In school, I hold onto Costia to cope with everything. Actually we hold onto each other. We loved and cared for each other. She had all of my free time and I had hers. But I did know that, she didn’t love me the way I want her to do. I was her best friend and she was more than that to me. I have always felt like I was betraying her and my conscience had never shut up about it. It got worse again, I tried to love someone else, anyone really just to be that best friend for her. It did not happen. So I was faking it, maybe if I was faking it enough my heart may believe it. 

After Costia’s 16th birthday, the day she described as her best day ever, I realized that I love her so much that I can not be in love with her any longer. It would hurt her eventually so it stopped. I made it stopped. I cut of the love I felt for her. 

Guess what happened 3 days later?  
Blonde hair.  
Blue eyes.  
Creamy skin.  
Yeah, you guessed it right. Clarke happened and my world has turned upside down. It showed me that the down of my world was better.


	2. Everything has changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa talks Clarke for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter but it really is hard to write when you have project dues and midterms.  
> https://patroklos13.tumblr.com/

I knew her. I mean, I knew she existed, there was a Clarke Griffin. My first memory of her is Finn’s facebook relationship status update “Finn Collins is in a relationship with Clarke Griffin.” Believe me, I know.  
I didn’t know who the fuck is this Finn person but my friends told me that Finn was from another high school in our region and he was a player so he was adding every girl near him on facebook. I felt sorry for Clarke Griffin. Poor girl, I thought. 

She was well known in our grade. One of the saying about her was she looked like a German child, because of her blonde hair, perfect blue eyes and her innocence. But me, tenth grader Lexa, wouldn’t recognize her among other ninth graders. I remember, I was so curious about her and asked a friend of mine “Show me which one is Clarke Griffin?”. Sadly, I only managed to see her back and yeah she was blonde. All the things I know about her are that much. I was oblivious that I would fall in love with her in less than a year.

In that very monday, twelfth of November to be exact, I was talking with Kane about the show we were going to perform in a little while. Kane and I were in the middle of the auditorium and suddenly everything has faded when my perspective encountered her. Clarke and two of her friends were walking inside the auditorium. Kane was still talking, I was looking her direction and we were alone in the whole universe. 

I saw her, I saw Clarke Griffin. I mean in that moment I saw her fears, smiles, her journey. I saw her desires and anger. I saw her heart and her beautiful mind. I knew she were going to change me for better. And again I knew, there were not a single thing about her needed to be changed.

I was madly curious about little things about her.  
What was her favourite food?  
Was she a morning person?  
How she looked like in the morning?  
What was her favourite movie, band, song?

It felt like living in a Beatles song. 

Girls sit somewhere in the middle row. When I put myself together, I returned to talking Kane then returned to backstage where my classmates was. When it was our turn to perform, we were bunch of people singing some oratorio, I felt weak at the knees. Could she see me? Could she hear me? What was she thinking? 

After the show, I looked for her in the auditorium but couldn’t find her.

 

With Hannah, with Aysha but mostly with Costia, I was disgusted by myself because of who I am, who I was loving. For the first time in my life, I let myself love someone without fear. Fear of consequences that loving a girl may cause like casting out from friend group or psychological violence family can put on or going to hell. But Clarke made every fear in my cells evaporate. I remember telling myself, if I will go to hell, I will gladly do so. If my parents wouldn’t want me anymore, okay then let it be. Friends? They can fuck themselves. So, I pursued her. I needed to know her. I needed her to know me. Touching her life was my no.1 priority back then. Nobody knew I fell for Clarke, even they didn’t know I was gay so it was a real challenge. I couldn’t ask for anyone’s help. First thing I did was -and I felt like a real stalker- follow her after school. I wanted to know where she lives. We took same bus, got off the bus at same stop. I know it is silly but we shared same air, it was big deal for me. We shared that air for almost 1,5 years since then. It was the only place that I can be close to her. And I learnt a lot from those rides. 

One, that she loved reading. She was reading the whole time and in a week she was bringing different books meaning, she was reading so damn much.  
Second, that she had a sister. Her phone’s wallpaper was picture of her sister.  
Three, that she had a blueish, greenish watch which is probably an old one.  
Four, that she was a respectful person. Any time an old person could not find a seat, she was giving her seat to them. 

In the meantime, I was stalking her social media accounts. She had a Facebook account which I added her as a friend but I was aware that she didn’t use facebook. I don’t know why but I didn’t follow her on twitter but I was stalking her tweets. Back at the time, Instagram wasn’t that much popular so either one of us have ig accounts. Anyway, one day the end of the world came. I am halfly kidding because that day was 21 December 2012 and also she posted her connected2me account on twitter. Very first day we talked, we talked on c2 and I was anonymous. I said her that I didn’t want to disturb her if she had a lover but I wanted to get to know her. She said she had a lover and yeah it was hell. Later, I discovered that she and her boyfriend started to date at the same day we talked. It is tragic, isn’t it? 

I was devastated. I decided to give up on her, not to take same bus everyday and not stalk her accounts. But that was not as easy as it seemed. _Love is short, forgetting is so long_.  
But that decision didn’t last long. I needed help and I would get that help. That helped named Costia.

I planned to come out Costia after the winter break. I practised a lot what I was going to say to her. I couldn’t foresee her reactions to this situation. Maybe she could think I was in love with her which I wasn’t. Or she could make fun of me or even she could hate me. There was a song of Oasis, Wonderwall. _Because maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. Afterall you’re my wonderwall._ This song became our song, Costia’s and mine. I asked her to listen this song and later told her we needed to talk. On the first day after the winter break, we skipped the class and sit down in schoolyard. It took my 3 hours to gain courage to tell her. The whole speech was something like this “Costia you are my best friend and I love you dearly. I want to be there when you graduate from med school, when you find your true love, when you are getting married and when you have your first child. I am telling you this because you need to know this, you need to know me so I can be there for you.” I picked up my phone and showed her a picture of Clarke and asked  
“Do you know her?”  
She said “Yes, Clarke Griffin. What about her?” I told Costia everything I know about Clarke Griffin and said “I know all of this, all of her because I love her Costia. I am gay.”  
She stayed silent a long time for my liking. She probably needed to process it. Then,  
“Yeah, okey. Thank you for sharing me. It is okay with me you don’t have to worry.”

Later that day, Costia managed to invite Clarke and a friend of hers to lunch. She knew I wouldn’t attend but she went lunch with them alone for get to know Clarke better. Because Costia was popular and Clarke too. Popular girls hanging out each other wasn’t absurd. First, Costia became friends with Clarke so she could introduce me to her in any chance. So she did. Ten days after I came out to Costia, without saying anything Costia drag me out school. I didn’t understand what was she doing but as soon as I saw Clarke it occured to me. We catched up Clarke, Costia started a conversation with her and introduced me to her. She said “This is Lexa, maybe you already know her.” and Clarke answered “Yeah, we take the same bus every day.” She noticed me. Hear me? SHE NOTICED LEXA WOODS. Then she said goodbye and walked away. I was happy. After meeting her, I felt I was changed. I had a meaning. _You were made to go out and get her_.

Later that week, I opened her c2 chat page, she was offline. Beauty of it, you can send messages to her even if she was offline. I wasn’t sure whether she was using her account anymore but I have nothing to lose. I wrote a quite long message to her, explaining my affection and love for her as anonymously of course. Also said that if she can spare me her time on c2, I would probably most happy person in the whole world. Later, I waited her message for a couple of weeks. In the end, she wrote me back. I used my whole luck around that time I guess. We settled a date to be online on connected2me: Friday night, 8 pm. When the time came, I was ready for Clarke and rest of my life.


	3. So Long Marianne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penfriends, some kind of date and a little sad end.

   No one can predict the future. It is impossible. Instead, we dream. A dream that will never come true. This was easy, dreaming. White fences, a golden retriever, couple of kids and Clarke with the perfect sundress and those painfully beautiful blue eyes of hers. Sun would shine down on her blonde locks and  _ your skin, oh… Your skin and bones…  _ This dream still gives me goosebumps. But she knows, I always wanted kids. 5 would be ideal but I can settle with 1. In life, I resent many things to be honest, but which I feel like that having kids is taken away from me is the most I resent. How can not two women have their own children? I can’t understand this. Anyway. I always thought we would end up together and this is the ultimate dream. As you get older, life teaches you a very important lesson; dreams don’t come true. Did I say I am a pessimist? No? But you probably guessed that. Though, it is good to be able to dream, as long as you can. 

  
  


   In our c2 chats, I was so excited to dream so far ahead. I was trying to be funny, be sophisticated and also be me. It was hard, believe me. I can be so many things, especially for Clarke but being sophisticated funny and me at the same time is not that great combination. I try not to be embarrassed about that phase of me because I was young and in love. It is normal, isn’t it? 

  
  


   Clarke had her doubts about my intentions. I could be cruel, I could want to use her. She had her doubts because she thought that I was a boy. Later, I learnt that some of them hurt her, used her. But I had all the time in the world to gain her trust. 

  
  


   At the beginning, the one the talked most was me naturally but later she somehow got used to talk to me every friday night at 8 pm. Sometimes she would try to find who I was from the little details I gave her. She had no luck. I was totally mystery. At the end of the first month, it was like 4 friday nights, she already knew what I like, how many siblings I have, my favourite colour etc. except from my name. I know, it was bugging her because you can’t simply completely trust someone over internet but she came every friday night to talk to me. 

  
  


   Few weeks before her birthday, I don’t know where it came from but we talked about letters, penfriends. She said that she always wanted to be a penfriend, to receive letters from someone like old times. I thought about it and came a conclusion that we can be penfriends. Because I wanted to stay anonymous, I came up with a plan about this. I would leave my letter under your desk a certain day but she needed to trust me so much so that she can not try to spy on me to learn who I was. After reading my letter, she would write and leave a letter under her desk so I could take it from there. It was very risky. Nevertheless I trusted her. Also I trusted myself not to caught by her or her friends. Because I could wait whole school be empty to go to her class. It worked very much. She trusted me and I trusted her and it was all I need. She received her first letter in her birthday. Ever since then, she receives a letter from me in her birthday. It became a one sided tradition over the years. Also, penfriends thing last one and a half month. Every week we exchanged letters.

  
  


   In the meantime, we started to talk on bus everyday or whenever we saw each other in school. Because we became acquaintances in real life, Costia thought that we can meet for lunch whole together. Raven, Clarke, me and Costia. I don’t know how but Costia set a date. I know, Clarke had suspicions about Lexa person and anonymous person could be the same person but she hadn’t any proof and Lexa didn’t enough motivation to do something like this according to her. Probably, she didn’t know people are gay at that time. 

  
  


   Costia did her best talking with Raven and becoming her interest so that I could talk with Clarke without interruption. We walked side by side to the restaurant, we sit facing each other while eating and we walked back to school. I don’t remember what the hell Raven and Costia did this whole time around us. After school, I offered to take her home and she accepted. There was a little more walking. I remember, I always looked at her shoes. I was afraid to look at her. I didn’t hug her before I left. I didn’t want to violate her in some way. 

  
  


   2 weeks later, she wrote on c2 saying “I know who you are but why did you do this?”.

   I texted Costia “What do I do now?”

   Costia texted back “Tell everything you want to tell her, be honest, this could be the last time that you can talk to her.”

   And I did that. I told her everything. The truth. That I loved her. She took it good. She was good and said that she loved Lexa and Anonymous separately (meaning as friends). She said that she didn’t know what to say. I said her I wanted to talk face to face one last time. She agreed. 

 

   I really cannot recall what we talked because I thought it was last time that we did. The only thing in my mind is “this is your last time, take her in in anyway to remember her always.”. So I did that and before leaving I borrowed her phone and saved my phone number. “You can call or write me in anytime if you need anything. I didn’t took yours so you can feel safe.” I said. 

  
  


We said our farewells.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued.
> 
> All comments are welcomed.
> 
> Shoot me up with anything at https://patroklos13.tumblr.com/


End file.
